I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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