just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
