She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize