My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
