I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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