My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
