She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
