I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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