I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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