I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
