Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
