So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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