just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
