I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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