I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
