elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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