i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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