its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
