you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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