I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
