I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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