If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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