I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I need to stop coming to work sober
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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