i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
