She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
