My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
