the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
