a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
