Nicole vs. Life
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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