Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
