Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
