I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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