I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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