i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
