Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
