Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
