Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
