but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
