i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
