i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
