My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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