so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
