My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
