my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
