no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
