I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
