Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
