I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
