Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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