I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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