Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
