well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
