I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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