it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
