I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
