Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
