The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
