at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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