I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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