I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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