I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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