Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
