i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you win again, gameday.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
