I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
