need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
